Photo finish

As you can see, Sarah Palin has graced the most recent edition of Newsweek's cover. Predictably, FOX News has gotten all bent out of shape over the wrong thing. The headline reads "She's One of The Folks (And that's the problem)," but that is in fact not the only problem. Apparently, they have beef with the picture: an extremely close-up shot of Palin without airbrushing or Photoshopping. As one girl said (whose name I don't even care to learn), "This photo is a clear slap in the face of Sarah Palin. Why? Because it's unretouched."

I am in awe. First, and I mean no disrespect, they find the most airbrushed, retouched, stitched-up, chin-tucked, lip-plumped witches on television to criticize the cover. Then they get an average woman named Julia Piscitelli to defend it, and she does well when she's not getting screeched at by the Queen of the Damned. But this is a tried-and-true FOX News tactic so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Second, how can we move beyond this culture of plasticine, android standards of beauty when we deem the alternative "unfair" and have a hissy fit about it? Third, she looks fantastic. I can't quite peg what Newsweek is doing here--are they trying to make her look ugly by magnifying her imperfections or proving that "one of the folks" can be beautiful too?--but it plays in Palin's favor.

Know how she can pick up a heap of undecided women? By decrying these comments, by calling them sexist and backwards, by distancing herself from the FOX News fog machine, by demanding a more honest and realistic portrayal of beauty, by saying enough is enough and actually standing up for something important to women. That's a grand slam. This would work so well it almost seems staged, but that's a bit too conspiracy-theory for my taste. Either way, it's a valuable statement that ought to be made. (On the off-chance this is staged, it's one of the best alley oops I've seen.)

About time

According to The Inquisitr, Apple will (probably, assuredly, maybe) launch a line of laptops priced below $1,000. Check out the link above for the details.

All I can say is it's about fucking time. With the financial clusterfuck in full swing, what better time to price products more aggressively? And now that 90% of college students own Apple, they should broaden their horizons--the real world.

I look forward to the new "I'm a Mac/I'm a PC" ads:

PC: Hi, I'm a PC, and I'm cheaper than a crack whore.
Mac: And now I am too!
PC: Really?
Mac: Yup! I'm also prettier, simpler and more accessible than a crack whore.
PC: Well, uh...at least I'm not Justin Long.

Putin's manifesto

All I could talk about over the summer was what a BAMF Putin is. This man gives Teddy Roosevelt a run for his money. First a picture of a him fishing shirtless surfaces.

Then we hear a tale of him rescuing a camera crew from a charging tiger by grabbing a rifle and firing a tranq into him. A tiger running at full tilt!

Next, responding to a question regarding his reaction to Georgia's provocations, he says: "What did you want us to do? Wave our penknives in the air and wipe the bloody snot from our noses?" He's such a badass even his pens have knives. Pictures also have shown him aboard a submarine, operating a train, co-piloting a fighter jet, at the wheel of a racing truck, shooting his standard-issued KGB handgun, and sparring Jack Bauer. (Only one of those is not true.)

And now we have this: "Let's learn judo with Vladimir Putin," an instructional martial arts DVD.

I no longer wonder why Time named him Man of the Year. There is no doubt in my mind he is the manliest man alive.

You betcha I can read

At a California rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin proposed an interesting reason to support the Republican ticket. She's not known for speaking her own thoughts, preferring to recite talking points and rattle off Ronald Reagan lines punctuated with a red-light district wink. But she has taken it to a new level: misquoting Starbucks cups, perhaps the only source of news she will confess to reading. She said, "I'm reading on my Starbucks mocha cup, okay? The quote of the day... It was Madeleine Albright, former Secretary of State [crowd boos] and UN ambassador. ... Now she said it, I didn't. She said, 'There's a special place in hell reserved for women who do not support other women.'" [My emphasis.]

Given the popularity of Starbucks and the fame of the quote's source, it didn't take long for someone to call foul. Turns out the quote actually goes like this: "There's a special place in hell reserved for women who do not help other women." [Again my emphasis.] Now, I'm not surprised to find the Republican ticket misquoting and twisting facts--or quite simply pulling them out of their ass--for their own political gain. That's not even news anymore.

What strikes me most is the irony. Has there ever been a mainstream platform more anti-woman? A woman who vehemently defends the sanctity of marriage and then forces two teenagers into loveless wedlock? A man who does not believe in equal pay for working women? A woman who can speak knowledgeably only about repealing Roe v. Wade? A man who voted against protecting women from terrorists who target abortion clinics?

Maybe there is a special place in hell reserved for women who do not help other women. If there is, Palin better start praying for salvation right now.

Buy this man a beer

After the announcement of the Lehman's Bros. bankruptcy last month, Lehman CEO Richard Fuld decided to go sweat out some stress at the gym. There a man punched the CEO in the face. CNBC confirms.

It's a start. Where can you buy tar and feathers these days?

[from HBO series miniseries John Adams]

Celestial navigation

First, it snowed on Mars - an event so majestic you can almost hear Jed Barlet wax poetic about it. Then scientists discovered a planet denser than lead. (Reports suggest they intend to name it Palin.) But it gets better: Tomorrow night an asteroid will streak across the sky and explode in a 1 kiloton blast! I don't know what that means but it sounds dangerous and cool.

Paris Hilton might say the stars are blind, but they've really never been more prescient. This is the kind of stuff that happens in Greek mythology before something awesome or awful happens. Needless to say I'm psyched.

[Mars sunset via Wikimedia]

The monomyth and the Obamamyth (The Daily Northwestern 10/3/08)

I would have never guessed a class I took called "The Hero's Journey: Jesus, Star Wars and the American Dream" would prove useful in a political column four years later. Bear with me.

The teacher, Doc Failla, wanted to explain two things: the relationship between Luke Skywalker and the obsession Americans have with stories. We are addicted to them. We are chemically, emotionally, historically and even politically dependent upon them. Not just Americans of course - civilizations throughout time relied upon stories to understand themselves and one another. But in the home of Hollywood, Americans just want to hear your story.

Doc Failla structured his class around Star Wars because it approaches narrative perfection. Back when George Lucas had a clue, he brilliantly structured Luke's story around the writings of Joseph Campbell. Campbell pioneered the theory of the hero's journey, what he termed the monomyth. He explains that all great stories feature a hero who "ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man."

With a little imagination, we can find this structure in every great story - from Star Wars to Jesus to Batman. And this is where it gets political: John McCain has this kind of story. He constantly tells his POW stories for this reason. Those years not only play up his patriotism but also root his story in the hero's journey. Vietnam was his Dagobah, so to speak, his "region of supernatural wonder." For all the criticism he receives for telling this story ad nauseum, it works on a fundamental level with voters. It is a phenomenal and heroic story, and it mirrors the structure of the hero's journey.

Barack Obama, on the other hand, sucks at telling his story. I've studied both of his books, read almost all of his speeches and yet I still struggle to recount his convoluted biography. It's not that he doesn't have a good story; he has an inspiring and distinctly American story. He's just not a good storyteller. He is without a doubt the greatest orator our generation has seen. Yet time and time again he fails to connect on an emotional level, not just with the average voter, but often with his most fervent supporters.

His will be a hard story to tell. "Community organizer" and "Chicago" don't instantly conjure the image that "POW" and "Vietnam" do. But before he can rewrite history, he needs to rewrite his story. He needs to stop talking about the future all the time - the audacity of hope - and start talking about his past - the improbability of hope.

We need to know that he earned this. He needs to explain the improbability of his life in a way that echoes the hero's journey. Obama too often sounds like a messiah who has descended from heaven to save us from the flood. That b-movie plot teaches us nothing. And what is a story but teaching in a way that everybody can understand? So before he hires his next speechwriter, he better hire his first screenwriter.